so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I need water and some morals
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