it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
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You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
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BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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