shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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