Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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