My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
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I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
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I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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