shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I woke up under a house in Key West
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