Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
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I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
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So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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