3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
My sheets look like a crime scene.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
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I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
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