I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
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I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
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Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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