it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
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woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
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IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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