seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
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He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
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I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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