Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
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Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
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It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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