I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
i think i scared a bird with my dick
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Randomize