I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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