Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
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There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
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McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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