My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
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She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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