that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
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