Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
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There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
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I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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