She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
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And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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