girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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