If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
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She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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