im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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