just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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