my phone needs a breathalizer
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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