Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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