I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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