I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize