he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize