Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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