what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
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Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
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oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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