were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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