Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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