Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
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