hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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