I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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