First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
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I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
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I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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