Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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