The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
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Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
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FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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