nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
50% drunk capacity currently
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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