i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
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I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
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For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
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