batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
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As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
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At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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