turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
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He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
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He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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