Say something about gay babies.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Just puked most of my soul out..
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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