I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
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she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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