On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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