Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
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Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize