I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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