she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Randomize