You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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