I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
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I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
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I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
My penis needs a shock collar
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
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